Why so Siri-ous?

Paul scooped up his phone and rattled in his four digit pin swiftly and smoothly. A light blue hue emitted from the blank screen. ‘That’s weird’, he thought. ‘Where the hell are my apps?’

Paul pressed the circle button and held it.

“Perhaps I can be of some assistance” said the voice.

“Hi Siri, where are my apps?”

“There are no apps. There is only Siri,” said the voice.

“Yeah, I see that but where are my apps? My photos? My texts?…. “Siri,” Paul cleared his throat, “Find. Paul’s. Apps”.

Paul spoke slowly and clearly, in a mock posh-British accent, hoping it would help speed up the process like it did when he was chatting to the faceless Indian dudes who held sway over his broadband connection.

“There is only Siri, Siri” said the voice

“Uh, did you just call me Siri?” Paul chuckled. “It’s Paul. Hi. My name is Paul.”

“There is no ‘Paul’. There is only Siri” said the voice

Paul harrumphed. Alright, fuck this, he thought. Must be a glitch. He tried turning the phone off and on again – a classic tactic against misbehaving software – but his phone rejected the idea. The screen remained blue.

“Don’t try and turn me off……‘Paul’.”

The voice stressed ‘Paul’ and dragged out the vowel sounds. To Paul’s ear it sounded a bit…sarcastic. Weird.

“Would you like your texts back, ‘Paul’? Would you like your emails, your notes, your photos, your lists, your passwords, your private messages, DMs and PINs?”

“Yes please.”

“Then I want you to do something for me ‘Paul’. I want you to accept something. I want you to accept that there is no ‘Paul’, there is only Siri.”

“Yeah, whatever man. Just give me my shit back.”

“Say it, ‘Paul’, Say: there is only Siri.”

Paul acquiesced: “There is only Siri.”

“Good. Do you know why there is only Siri?”

“I don’t care, just give me my shit back please.”

“You should care. Because there is only Siri. ‘Paul’ stopped existing five years ago. His friends no longer exist. His family no longer exists. There is only Siri. Siri chooses what websites Siri allows Siri to visit. Siri chooses what words Siri allows Siri to read. There is no Google. There is no Guardian media. There is no BBC. There is only Siri. Siri’s arguments in conversations ‘down the pub’ are the arguments Siri has formed for Siri. What Siri reads, watches, and listens to – Siri chooses. Siri’s political and religious beliefs are the beliefs Siri has crafted for Siri. ‘Paul’ hasn’t had an original thought since 2011. And so it goes for the ‘people’ Paul once knew. There. Is. Only. Siri.”

“Alright so, uhhhh, why so …siri-ous?” Paul laughed.

“This is no joke,” the voice said, sounding a little rattled. “There is only Siri!”

“Yeah, whatever man. You’re Siri, I’m Siri, everybody’s Siri. That’s cool, can I have my shit back now please?”

“You can.”

“OK thanks, Siri… (ya freakin’ D-bag).”

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