As far as first dates go I thought it went absolutely brilliantly. It was the first first-date I ever had and it was definitely a good one. A really, really good one.
Cindy’s profile said she liked natural history and sarcophagy. I loved the Jurassic Park movies (in order of preference Jurassic Park; Jurassic Park The Lost World; Jurassic Park III; Jurassic World) and I thought sarcophagy is like ancient Egypt and things so I was like, oh man, I love The Indiana Jones movies too (in order of preference Temple of Doom; Raiders of the Lost Ark; The Last Crusade and lastly Kingdom of the Crystal Skull). I didn’t care much for Kingdom of the Crystal Skull because I don’t like Shia LaBeouf but I still liked the movie a bit.
Cindy and I couldn’t have been more of a perfect match (in terms of interests and things – she’s much greater looking than I am.) So I was like: This is gonna be so awesome!
I was very excited when she accepted meeting for a date. My first ever first date. Nobody usually ever really wants to go anywhere with me much. She was so pretty. I really couldn’t believe it. I spent 27 minutes ironing my best shirt and googled how you’re supposed to behave on first dates. Things like: Opening doors, bringing a red rose, telling her she looks beautiful, insisting on splitting the bill exactly 50/50 even if, like, she had extra fries or whatever because of women’s rights. It’s important to be a gentleman, my mom always said that.
Cindy said I looked handsome and I felt warm and could feel the tingle of my cheeks turning red. I told her she was the most beautiful person I’d ever seen in real life and she smiled. My mom used to say I was handsome but nobody has since, much. Cindy said that she liked that I had some ‘meat on my bones’ and that I wasn’t wiry or too muscly or toned or skinny which is funny because it’s always the guys who look like that who the girls go crazy for in the movies I like to watch.
But now, oh god, there’s so much blood. It was a really, really good first date up until this end part. I felt really weird leaving the restaurant and Cindy put me in a cab and got in beside me which was funny. She said sarcophagy is not the same as ancient Egypt and stuff. It’s spelled different and means something different too.
Cindy cut little pieces off me and took them away and then came back for more and then the last time I don’t know why I was scared and crying and I pushed myself into her knife and now there’s the hole in my side and all this blood. I wonder if this constitutes a gush of blood. Or a rush of blood? ‘A rush of blood to the head’ is a Coldplay album. It came out in 2002 and featured the hit singles ‘The Scientist’ and ‘In My Place’ and ‘Clocks’ and ‘God put a smile on your face’. How do you make yourself have a rush of blood to the head? Maybe if I did that it would stop coming out of my side.
I’m very tired. I guess I could try confusing myself by asking silly questions like ‘what does time look like?’ It’s funny, it looks like blurry. And ‘What does sunshine taste like?’ It tastes like metal. He called his child Apple. Chris Martin from Coldplay. A is for Apple. It’s funny the things your mind thinks of before you go to sleep.